Well I'll Be (it's fair food, y'all!)

It is simply amazing to me that I've spent 34 years on this planet and have never been introduced to the wonders of Fair Food! I blame this mostly on a combination of my California upbringing and the refusal of Midwesterners to share these secrets with me. I won't call these finds delicious, but I will admit they have left me in awe.

I took the boys to the 2008 Arkansas State Fair today. I bypassed the Tilt-O-Whirl completely and opted instead for the Tour de Hurl. I scoured the fairgrounds for foods not normally found in nature. I was supposed to visit California next month, but after today's samplings I think my state may revoke my citizenship and turn me away at the airport. Wait, never mind. It's California. They can't keep anyone out. What was I thinking?

I tasted fried Oreos today. They taste exactly like you'd expect. I can't say it was entirely unpleasant. It was just...a deep fried Oreo! They take the tasty sandwich cookie and dunk it in a goo the resembles corn dog batter. Then, the coated cookie gets tossed in the fryer, drained and dusted with powdered sugar. The cookie gets soggy, the filling melts and the dough gets crispy. Through it all, grease drips out and the smell of obesity hangs in the air. It's all a bit odd and off puttin' yet, at the same time, it's a bit decadent.

Here is a look at some of the foods I saw yet didn't try. Let's start with deep fried cheesecake. It's not the first time I've seen it. I've just never seen it outside of a Sonic, or north of the Mason Dixon line. There were four people in line and not one of them was taller than 5' 8" or thinner than 280 so I walked on. I figured it was a bit of foreshadowing.

I'd like to introduce you to "Pig Lickers." I have always said everything is better with cheese, bacon or butter. Leave it to the good ol' boys at the Arkansas fair to prove me wrong! I give to you deep fried, chocolate covered bacon on a stick. Covered in sprinkles. Sold in sets of three. Come on now! That's too far! If you want to fry pickles, be my guest. Dunk a Twinkie? I won't stop you. But you can't take two of the pure JOYS in life, combine them and then ruin it completely! I'm not even sure that's legal. I can't, for the life of me, figure out the need for the sprinkles, either. That's just overkill! The bacon should already be crispy, so you don't need the added crunch. And if you're tossing 'em on there just to make things festive, you've missed the point. You can't church up cocoa-covered swine!

Lastly, I present to you the winner of the 2008 "Kati Was Speechless Because of You" award winner. The trophy goes to....the HOT BEEF SUNDAE! Look to the right - there it is, in full color for your enjoyment. I got proof! I don't mean to be crass, but I think "Hot Beef Sundae" should have a "Ron Jeremy Productions" label on it. But alas, it's rated PG.

A "Hot Beef Sundae" is a slab of meat, topped with a scoop of mashed potatoes, covered in gravy and then topped with shredded cheese. It looks just like a hot fudge sundae, but it's really just Sunday dinner in a bowl. It seems harmless once you spell it out, yet I was still repulsed. As soon as you take a main course and slap a desert name on it, I'm out. Willy Wonka tried it once with his three-course meal gum and poor Violet Beauregarde is still in a juicing room somewhere! That is just documented proof that dinner is dinner and desert is desert. They are both great in their own way. There is no need to combine the two. But still, the line for THIS fabulous fair find was at least three times as long as the line for deep fried cheesecake!

I'm going to lace up my Nikes now and get in two miles before the sun sets. While it's true I only tried to Oreo, just writing about everything else has left me feeling bloated and a bit rounded in the rear. I'm going to hit the track just to fend off the deep fried nightmares sure to plague me tonight otherwise!

To be fair though, I am looking forward to the 2009 offerings. I can't wait to see what they'll think of next!