It's that time of year again! Visit your local mall, Wal*Mart or Department of Motor Vehicles and you'll see them. They come in all shapes and sizes - those little darlings in the brown skirts and green sashes hocking their wares. They're the Girl Scouts of America and they have cookies! Once a year, for a few remarkable weeks, they will even bring their delicious treats right to your front door!
You're thinking, "Me? Girl Scout Cookies? I can't...I'm on a diet!" But hush! I was behind you in the McDonald's drive-thru not but three days ago and you weren't worried about your diet then! Or, you're thinking "$3.50 for a box of cookies? That's just too steep!" But Octomom can afford a new set of pink and white nails every two weeks and SHE has 14 children under the age of seven. Wait, wait, I forgot. Octomom is straight slap-ass crazy, so she might not be the best example, but still! $3.50 for a box of cookies is a STEAL considering that not even a year ago, you were paying upward of $4 PER GALLON for gas and still making those twice-weekly jaunts across town to get to...none other than McDonald's (I know, I was there, remember?)
When you think about it, the timing might not be remarkable, but it is certainly fortuitous. I don't believe it's sheer coincidence that annual Girl Scout Cookie sales coincide with federal tax returns. Uncle Sugar drops a few Benjamins into your BofA account and you're set to buy at least two beautiful green boxes of the Thin Mints.
Since we're on the topic of Thin Mints, I must add that they are, in a way, an investment in your future. Toss a sleeve in the door of the freezer and they'll keep right on through summer. Then, when you're haggard from a long day of work and need just a little something cool and minty to take the edge off, you can open the door and they'll be there to greet you. Your brain will scream "Get in my belly!" and the next thing you know, you'll be standing there with the freezer door ajar, cold blast of air hitting you in the face, crumbs down your shirt and nothing but a cellophane sheath as evidence to the dozen little chocolatey discs you just housed when no one was looking! But the great news about Thin Mints? As long as they're consumed while standing up, only half the calories stick. An added bonus? If you eat them by nothing but the dim light illuminating from under the stove hood, the calories don't count at all!
You have the chance to improve the sales skills of little street peddlers everywhere, put money back in your local economy AND (gentlemen, this is for you) the opportunity to save your marriage by placing a Samoa in your mouth rather than the foot you would usually place there.
Girl Scout Cookies are a win-win, really. I suggest you head out tomorrow and snap up a few boxes before it's too late. Please - I implore you! I'll be honest - this blog is a blatant attempt to assuage my guilt over the disgusting amount of cookies that MIGHT have made their way past my lips and down my gullet in the past few weeks. However, there's no need to actually discuss THAT. We'll just readdress the fact that in today's failing economy, it's your civic responsibility as good, decent Americans to place your hard earned wages back into American ingenuity.
So buy the cookies already, dang it. The future of our nation is depending on it!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
I got sucked in...and spit right back out!
You need not be a reality television watcher to read what follows. It might actually behoove you to be disgusted with "reality" shows. Just don't say you don't watch. A recent article posted by MSNBC claims that four out of five Americans believe there is "too much reality TV" on. This is fascinating, seeing as a separate study says four out of five people tune in to some form of reality TV - from Jon and Kate Plus 8 to Survivor to Rock of Love Bus 3 - each week. And while I'd like to believe that you're all very special people, the odds are slim that each of you is that 1/5 of the population!
I am a self-proclaimed reality television whore. I will tune in to just about any show that features some form of competition, drama and upset - hence my addiction to the Scripps National Spelling Bee!
I wasn't "in" to the Bachelor. I haven't tuned in since Krista and Ryan rode off into the sunset. I didn't feel as if I was missing much. Then, at the (very subtle) urgings of Jennifer Christman and good friend Amy Schlesing, I found myself on my couch, Ben & Jerry's in one hand (still in the cardboard it came in), a large serving spoon in the other, catching up on the life of "Jason" and the veritable smorgasbord of beauties paraded out for him to sample in season 13.
Sample he did. Jason bored me, yet I kept on watching - for two weeks. And then promptly forgot about it all...until tonight. I came in just in time for "...After The Rose," the show which follows the last Bachelor "rose ceremony." This is where Jason is supposed to parade his bride-to-be out on stage and share his joy with all who care to see it.
But this is where it all goes wrong. I won't bore you with the details - here are the Cliff Notes: Jason dumps Molly and proposes to Melissa. Then, in the blink of any eye, Jason comes to the set, dumps Melissa and asks Molly for a second chance.
My first clue that this entire show was contrived was the lack of audience. Tickets for this "live" show should have been on sale MONTHS ago. No plot twist in the world should have kept the crowd out. But alas, no adoring fans to share the love. Next was Melissa's attitude as she clomped on stage. She, according to producers, had no idea this was coming. She thought all was well. Yet she showed up with hostility. Jason dumps her, she returns the ring and off she goes without a fight - conveniently all between commercial interruptions.
Now this is where the show completely jumped the shark (thank you Amy) and I knew I'd been had!
Next in is Molly. She comes in as gleeful as can be. The back story is that she and Jason haven't spoken in the months since he "dumped" her on national TV in order to propose to Melissa. For all intents and purposes, she should have been bitter. Really. Let's be honest - hell really hath no fury like a woman scorned. A woman scorned in front of 20 million fans should be plotting arson much in the way Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopes torched then-boyfriend Andre Rison’s home. But not this little nugget. She all but skipped on that stage.
Jason didn't ask for her hand in marriage. Instead, he tells her the news of his seconds-old breakup with Melissa, she feigns surprise and THEN - he asks her out for coffee! "I know I broke your heart and embarrassed you in front of millions of people you'll never meet, but I dumped the woman to whom I professed my love. Would you like to hit up Starbucks?"
This is the problem with America. It seems Molly never received her copy of "He's NOT That In To You." She said she "dreamed of this night" for months. And now, through the creative scripting of "reality" television, her wish has come true.
How are we to explain to future generations of girls that fairy tales DON'T come true when ABC carefully crafts a show that "proves" otherwise? "Yes honey, I know the man you 'love' left you for another woman, but don't you worry your pretty little head. He'll come right back once he sees that you were SOOOOOOOOOO much better than her all along."
If you want REALity television, toss a helmet cam on me and let's go. Better yet, wire my house and watch as I try day after day to ensure my boys don't burn the structure down when I'm not looking. I have every element you could possibly want - I'm broke, I'm a single mom, I go to war, I go to school, and occasionally, I even go to church. My kids are Catholic, my sister's Jewish. My parents live in an RV full-time. My grandparents live in a trailer park (albeit it, a double wide in an adult-living community). Hey, I even own a bulldog! I have humor (watch me drive!), cliffhangers (how close can I push the electric bill before paying it this month?), intrigue (I can scheme with the best of them), drama (watch my ex-husband and I plan a birthday party for our 8 year old some time). And again, you might get a chance to see my boys burn the house down when I'm not looking!
I may be late to this party, but today is the day I final realized the only "real" thing about reality television is the people who watch. And we REALLY need to get lives!
I am a self-proclaimed reality television whore. I will tune in to just about any show that features some form of competition, drama and upset - hence my addiction to the Scripps National Spelling Bee!
I wasn't "in" to the Bachelor. I haven't tuned in since Krista and Ryan rode off into the sunset. I didn't feel as if I was missing much. Then, at the (very subtle) urgings of Jennifer Christman and good friend Amy Schlesing, I found myself on my couch, Ben & Jerry's in one hand (still in the cardboard it came in), a large serving spoon in the other, catching up on the life of "Jason" and the veritable smorgasbord of beauties paraded out for him to sample in season 13.
Sample he did. Jason bored me, yet I kept on watching - for two weeks. And then promptly forgot about it all...until tonight. I came in just in time for "...After The Rose," the show which follows the last Bachelor "rose ceremony." This is where Jason is supposed to parade his bride-to-be out on stage and share his joy with all who care to see it.
But this is where it all goes wrong. I won't bore you with the details - here are the Cliff Notes: Jason dumps Molly and proposes to Melissa. Then, in the blink of any eye, Jason comes to the set, dumps Melissa and asks Molly for a second chance.
My first clue that this entire show was contrived was the lack of audience. Tickets for this "live" show should have been on sale MONTHS ago. No plot twist in the world should have kept the crowd out. But alas, no adoring fans to share the love. Next was Melissa's attitude as she clomped on stage. She, according to producers, had no idea this was coming. She thought all was well. Yet she showed up with hostility. Jason dumps her, she returns the ring and off she goes without a fight - conveniently all between commercial interruptions.
Now this is where the show completely jumped the shark (thank you Amy) and I knew I'd been had!
Next in is Molly. She comes in as gleeful as can be. The back story is that she and Jason haven't spoken in the months since he "dumped" her on national TV in order to propose to Melissa. For all intents and purposes, she should have been bitter. Really. Let's be honest - hell really hath no fury like a woman scorned. A woman scorned in front of 20 million fans should be plotting arson much in the way Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopes torched then-boyfriend Andre Rison’s home. But not this little nugget. She all but skipped on that stage.
Jason didn't ask for her hand in marriage. Instead, he tells her the news of his seconds-old breakup with Melissa, she feigns surprise and THEN - he asks her out for coffee! "I know I broke your heart and embarrassed you in front of millions of people you'll never meet, but I dumped the woman to whom I professed my love. Would you like to hit up Starbucks?"
This is the problem with America. It seems Molly never received her copy of "He's NOT That In To You." She said she "dreamed of this night" for months. And now, through the creative scripting of "reality" television, her wish has come true.
How are we to explain to future generations of girls that fairy tales DON'T come true when ABC carefully crafts a show that "proves" otherwise? "Yes honey, I know the man you 'love' left you for another woman, but don't you worry your pretty little head. He'll come right back once he sees that you were SOOOOOOOOOO much better than her all along."
If you want REALity television, toss a helmet cam on me and let's go. Better yet, wire my house and watch as I try day after day to ensure my boys don't burn the structure down when I'm not looking. I have every element you could possibly want - I'm broke, I'm a single mom, I go to war, I go to school, and occasionally, I even go to church. My kids are Catholic, my sister's Jewish. My parents live in an RV full-time. My grandparents live in a trailer park (albeit it, a double wide in an adult-living community). Hey, I even own a bulldog! I have humor (watch me drive!), cliffhangers (how close can I push the electric bill before paying it this month?), intrigue (I can scheme with the best of them), drama (watch my ex-husband and I plan a birthday party for our 8 year old some time). And again, you might get a chance to see my boys burn the house down when I'm not looking!
I may be late to this party, but today is the day I final realized the only "real" thing about reality television is the people who watch. And we REALLY need to get lives!
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