Well I'll Be (it's fair food, y'all!)

It is simply amazing to me that I've spent 34 years on this planet and have never been introduced to the wonders of Fair Food! I blame this mostly on a combination of my California upbringing and the refusal of Midwesterners to share these secrets with me. I won't call these finds delicious, but I will admit they have left me in awe.

I took the boys to the 2008 Arkansas State Fair today. I bypassed the Tilt-O-Whirl completely and opted instead for the Tour de Hurl. I scoured the fairgrounds for foods not normally found in nature. I was supposed to visit California next month, but after today's samplings I think my state may revoke my citizenship and turn me away at the airport. Wait, never mind. It's California. They can't keep anyone out. What was I thinking?

I tasted fried Oreos today. They taste exactly like you'd expect. I can't say it was entirely unpleasant. It was just...a deep fried Oreo! They take the tasty sandwich cookie and dunk it in a goo the resembles corn dog batter. Then, the coated cookie gets tossed in the fryer, drained and dusted with powdered sugar. The cookie gets soggy, the filling melts and the dough gets crispy. Through it all, grease drips out and the smell of obesity hangs in the air. It's all a bit odd and off puttin' yet, at the same time, it's a bit decadent.

Here is a look at some of the foods I saw yet didn't try. Let's start with deep fried cheesecake. It's not the first time I've seen it. I've just never seen it outside of a Sonic, or north of the Mason Dixon line. There were four people in line and not one of them was taller than 5' 8" or thinner than 280 so I walked on. I figured it was a bit of foreshadowing.

I'd like to introduce you to "Pig Lickers." I have always said everything is better with cheese, bacon or butter. Leave it to the good ol' boys at the Arkansas fair to prove me wrong! I give to you deep fried, chocolate covered bacon on a stick. Covered in sprinkles. Sold in sets of three. Come on now! That's too far! If you want to fry pickles, be my guest. Dunk a Twinkie? I won't stop you. But you can't take two of the pure JOYS in life, combine them and then ruin it completely! I'm not even sure that's legal. I can't, for the life of me, figure out the need for the sprinkles, either. That's just overkill! The bacon should already be crispy, so you don't need the added crunch. And if you're tossing 'em on there just to make things festive, you've missed the point. You can't church up cocoa-covered swine!

Lastly, I present to you the winner of the 2008 "Kati Was Speechless Because of You" award winner. The trophy goes to....the HOT BEEF SUNDAE! Look to the right - there it is, in full color for your enjoyment. I got proof! I don't mean to be crass, but I think "Hot Beef Sundae" should have a "Ron Jeremy Productions" label on it. But alas, it's rated PG.

A "Hot Beef Sundae" is a slab of meat, topped with a scoop of mashed potatoes, covered in gravy and then topped with shredded cheese. It looks just like a hot fudge sundae, but it's really just Sunday dinner in a bowl. It seems harmless once you spell it out, yet I was still repulsed. As soon as you take a main course and slap a desert name on it, I'm out. Willy Wonka tried it once with his three-course meal gum and poor Violet Beauregarde is still in a juicing room somewhere! That is just documented proof that dinner is dinner and desert is desert. They are both great in their own way. There is no need to combine the two. But still, the line for THIS fabulous fair find was at least three times as long as the line for deep fried cheesecake!

I'm going to lace up my Nikes now and get in two miles before the sun sets. While it's true I only tried to Oreo, just writing about everything else has left me feeling bloated and a bit rounded in the rear. I'm going to hit the track just to fend off the deep fried nightmares sure to plague me tonight otherwise!

To be fair though, I am looking forward to the 2009 offerings. I can't wait to see what they'll think of next!

What the duece happened to television???

I was not gone THAT long. Two hundred days. That is is. Seven months. NOT THAT MUCH SHOULD HAVE CHANGED IN SEVEN MONTHS.

But then I turned on the television (which, from here forward, will no longer be refereed to as T.V., because "T.V." is a nickname and nicknames are for friends. It seems the television is no longer a friends of mine....)

Turning on the television depresses me. It's not the news about the global economic meltdown that has me down. It's not even the news about the housing market, unemployment and gas prices that make me sad. I can even tolerate all of the election news.

But someone, for the love of all that is right, please explain to me what in God's name Cloris Leachman is doing Dancing with the Stars? We'll ignore the obvious syntax errors there and ask the obvious...WHO is the "star" in that equation? Her Wiki has her listed as being 82 years old! Who thought THIS was a good idea? Misty May ruptured her Achilles tendon but should we NOT be more worried about Leachman's hip? I saw a clip of her dancing and I have to say, I've seen more excitement in AARP ads. I was scared. That was not dancing. This is a show that can make retired NFL linebackers look graceful and light on their feet. Yet Leachman's version of the "jig" was more reminescient of a long hallway shuffle in an orthopedic recovery ward.

That's not it though. There is more. Today, I am mindlessly flipping channels when I see a commercial I honestly believed was a mock ad. Imagine my abject horror when I realized that they were serious! Have you seen it? Let me set the scene.

A 16 year old girl who looks like she was recently rescued from a polygamous sect living on a Texas ranch says "You've played the Legend of Zelda games and have been haunted by the intoxicating music. Now you, too, can be transported to another world with your very own ocarina. Available at stlocarina.com. Learn to play just like Link in no time..."

Qwhhhhhhhhhat? Huh? Come again? I had to rewind that one twice just to ensure I hadn't fallen asleep on my couch and started dreaming. I was certain there was a low-grade gas leak in the house and I was having mild hallucinations. So I visited the site. Alas - you, too, CAN own your ocarina starting at the low, low introductory price of $79.99 plus s/h. Take a look. I can promise you it resembles a hand-crafted Father's Day gift presented by a second grader, just after they graduated from making clay hand-prints.

Lastly, and this might be the one that pushed me right over the edge, was the Interstate Batteries commercial I saw this weekend. Um....it's about God's love. (www.interstatebattery.com/godslove) Sure, who doesn't want more of God's love? Well, expect those people who don't believe in God, of course. Since when does it make sense to take an animated commercial for CAR BATTERIES and mix in a little religion? Have you seen it? I won't argue the message. I just do not understand how the two go together in any form of commercial advertising...aired during a football game...on a major television network! I have looked for God many places (like at the bottom of the Nile) but never did I think to look under the hood of a '67 Chevy.

This is really enough to make a sane person put down the remote and pick up a book. However, I can read while watching television so I'm covered in that regard. I thought about giving up my regular programing after the events of this week, but if I were to do that, I would miss the bliss that is House, the comedic horror of Family Guy and the education experience of E!'s 101 Biggest Celebrity Opps! and who really wants to miss out on THAT?