It's hotter than Hell

The high yesterday in Hell, Mich., was 62 degrees. The high on Camp Lemonier yesterday was 123 on the wet bulb. That means, by my math, it is almost twice as hot in Africa than it is in Hell. And it's only early May. My friend Ian fondly tells us every day "It's only going to get hotter..." Because THAT goes far is making me feel better about this plight, right?

We've run out of fun little euphuisms for hot. I used to say "It's Africa hot..." but now I know it was never THAT hot. And we used to say "Wow, who turned the thermostat to Africa..." but I realize now that no thermostat in the U.S. has a setting close to what you'll find here. When I said "It's 100 and stupid out" I couldn't have know at the time that nothing has ever been this stupid.

A lesser known fact - Djibouti, Africa has the highest recorded temperature of any inhabited place in the world (there are hotter places, but no one is retarded enough to LIVE there.) It's already a level of hot that defies comprehension. I can't explain what it feels like to walk to lunch when there is 86 percent humidity and the asphalt has caught fire around you. There are some clouds that look to threaten rain but those aren't actually clouds. They are actually an accumulation of smoke from all of the places on camp that just spontaneously combusted throughout the day.

I'm escaping the misery for a little over a week as Cindy and I hit the road. They're unleashing us on the continent again without adult supervision. And this time, we get a day off. So, not ones to waste a chance to make this war count, we're going to white water raft on the Nile. We have found a company (http://www.blogger.com/www.adrift.ug) that will allow us to spend a day shooting the Nile, provides lunch and will even pick us up at a hotel and drop us back off. The Global War on Terror is funding our airfare to and from and even covering our hotel. So all we have to pay is the $125 for the day trip. I pray that I will never have to come back to this Godforsaken land so I'm going to enjoy it while I can.

The company also provided us an option for "Nile High Bungee" jumping. You jump from a bridge, your head dips into the water and then you snap back up. For about a day I thought this was a stellar idea. Cindy tried to talk me out of it by saying "Do you REALLY trust someone in Africa to ensure the bungee is safe?" But I didn't find it any different than trusting some 19 year old on meth at Fiesta Village to secure my bungee. But she won on Logic - Round Two. She pointed out that Karma is a bitch and that bitch doesn't like me. Therefore, as Cindy pointed out, the odds are fairly good that I would be "THAT" girl - the one who popped back out of the water just in time to have a large Nile croc jump out and eat my head. I'm sure it would make for great photo and video, I don't think I want to risk it. So instead I'll just stand on the bridge and make fun of everyone else who may or may not get eaten. I was going to open up the "jump or no jump" poll to American voters and let you be the judge. The column with the most responses would have won. But I don't trust all of my friends enough to vote with my best interests at heart. So we won't be jumping off of any bridges (real or proverbial) any time soon.

On a separate note, the good people at Armed Forces Entertainment brought the Edwin McCain Band out to perform for us last night. If you just said "Who?", don't feel badly. He released the 1997 hit (I mean that so loosely) "I'll Be" and the 1999 radio pop gem "I Could Not Ask For More." After that, I think he might have written some television theme songs for the WB but I don't think he was selling out any amphitheaters anywhere. So where do you go when you're a fallen pop star looking to resurrect your career? I guess the answer to that is "Djibouti." Because there is nothing that will invigorate record sales faster than crooning ballads to semi-intoxicated sailors serving shore duty on the surface of the sun. But it was free, so I really shouldn't bitch. (I WILL, I just shouldn't... There's a big difference!)

That's all the news that's fit to report. Since I will be out of communication for a while, I'd like to take this renta-space to wish all of the mothers in my life (and two very special mommies to be - Jessica and Amy) a very happy Mother's Day. I hope your Sunday brings everything you could wish for - sleep, a clean kitchen, positive numbers in your bank accounts, positive control of the TiVo remote and no trips to the emergency room! I love you all!