I can't hate Jennifer Christman

I'll admit it. I'm one of those people who tends to mock, or at the very least, despise that which I can not have. I should hate Jennifer Christman; I really should. But I can't.

Most of you outside of central Arkansas don't know Jennifer. She's the extremely effervescent, award-winning columnist for the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. I envy her job in a way that is actually rare for me. It's almost as if the employment Gods looked into the box of life marked "Top 5 Traits for Kati's Dream Job," plucked them right out and papier-mached them into a craft in which Jennifer can now get paid.

First, she's an entertainment reporter. Until now, the phrase "entertainment reporter," evoked images of Siskel and or Ebert in my mind. While I don't have access to any current data, I'm fairly sure it's quite safe to say those two pasty, sweating, balding "entertainment reporters" have never, ever inspired envy. As an entertainment reporter, Jennifer gets paid (legal income which she can report on her 1040) to watch reality TV. I watch reality television on an almost nightly basis and have strong, strong opinions on what I see. Yet no one listens to those opinions, much less pays me to hear them! What's better...if she doesn't like a show - if that show annoys her as much as the rest of us - she can stop watching and announce that she's over it. I'm a quitter - we all know that. To be able to quit something without quilt or fear of reprisal? That is just a little bit of living the dream right there!

On Thursday mornings, because she's not busy enough, she pops on over to B98.5 FM and contributes to a morning spot. It's 6 a.m. on a weekday - the morning after American Idol - and she's on my drivetime radio, as articulate and perky as can be. You've all heard me say more than once howI would relish a reoccurring spot on morning radio. I just know my limits; I know that at 6 am. on Thursday I'm not on the radio because I sound almost akin to Marge Simpson's sisters after a bad night and one too many Pall Mall nonfilters.

When Jennifer isn't getting paid to write and talk about the insipid little brain-trusts on Rock of Love, she's earning cash to eat! Oh yes...she also does restaurant reviews. So she earns a daily wage to write and then has an expense budget to try out new cuisine and it's called work! I pay money to eat on a daily basis. At the end of the day, that food is negative equity. I didn't get paid to eat and had to spend my own money. And I had to do it on my own time. But Jennifer? Oh, she's allowed to announce in her weekly staff meeting that she'll be out for a few hours on any given Tuesday because there is a new tapas house cum Chinese bistro specializing in vegan fare opening in the River Market and she wants to tell the world about it.

Just like all Billy Mays' commercials, where it just seems to good to be true - WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Was anyone besides me horribly unaware that "bar reviews" are considered a valid form of employment? Oh yes. It's true. Ms. Christman has proven there is a market for being a drink guinea pig if you will. Not sure if you'll enjoy the new Angkor Stout out of Cambodia? Thinking about trying Scotland's new Belhaven's Best? Jennifer can tell you all about it. She can detail the color, taste, aroma and "mouth feel" and let you know if you're wasting your time before you drop that $7 a pint. It's just another service she offers. Or rather, just another service she gets paid for.

She's made me see that there is a way to earn your living dissecting the motives of a neurotic 27-year-old on the Bachelor while taste-testing nachos and housing new drinks. And did I mention that she's gorgeous, to boot? If you're going to have the perfect job and a great disposition, isn't it only fair that you should be physically flawed? I thought this was how the universe kept balance. Great job and look like Donald Trump or at the least Steve Jobs. Or, have great hair, delicate features and a winning smile but be forced to toil away 50 hours a week in the Department of Motor Vehicles.

By virtue of my personality, I should vehemently dislike Ms Christman. Instead, I will offer up a robust round of applause and my thanks for proving that there is, indeed, hope for my dreams yet. Jennifer, a tip of the hat to you!